Let’s be honest, you know you’re going to hate somebody the minute you meet them, and usually this attitude doesn’t change. The ‘Judging People’ guides that I’m penning serve as a handy guide to assist in the judging of people whose personalities you would rather kill and roast on a spit, than get to know. The second segment is on Pants.
Skinny Leg Jeans
Skinny leg jeans probably came about like this; some guy stayed at his girlfriends house, awoke to find he soiled his pants or something, wore her jeans then when seen said this was the new fashion, and since the modern teenager is such a forward independant thinker he followed blindly, thinking “gee this will look great with my mix tape belt buckle, boy am I indie for being obsessed with an obsolete format”.
These pant’s are so tight that they will make even the burliest of lumberjacks sound like Imogen Heap. Their only valid use is a double contraceptive, not only are they unbecoming and therefore assist the wearer on losing out ‘natural selection’-wise, but say someone is drunk enough to sleep with this person not only will their performance be compromised but the wearer will probably be sterile, after their little worm’s been living in whats basically denim cellophane wrap.
Cargo Shorts
I’m not generalising and saying that ALL cargo shorts are bad, just when they’re worn by a person who has the mental dexterity and age to dress themselves. These things are designed for five year old’s no adult will ever look good in them. For example, Charlie Sheen in Two and a Half Men, he gets women but its all fictional, In real life these women would sooner assume he’s a mental invalid.
The kind of men you see wearing shorts are the kind of men that enjoy the smell of shoe polish and watch cricket. To me cricket is the sporting equivalent of losing at ‘rock-paper-scissors’ then saying best of 5, the games last for five freaking days.
But I have to admit this is mainly a problem I have with Shorts (cargos being the only kind I hate enough to not tolerate) maybe its that I look horrible in shorts, or the only things you should be wearing shorts with is gasoline that has lit on fire. But something about shorts reeks of five year old to me, real men wear blue jeans and nothing else, don’t you dare say Khaki to me or I will funnel 12 litres of diet coke into you then force feed you a pack of mentos.
Rave Pants
How about I start this one with a joke (something funny? on THIS blog?) What costs more than $200, makes you look like a douche and is made of garbage bags and My Little Pony vomit? Rave pants. Rave pants are oversized fuck. Why do people wear them? well we all understand raves are just large congregations of children taking ecstasy like their vitamin c tablets then dancing to the same song over and over again until they’ve sweated off half of their body-mass, this is the new mating ritual of he 2000s. Once upon a time, a man would court a woman, now they just slap on as much glowing stuff as they can and enchant women with a display almost equal to pokémon on the ‘lets fuck up epileptic kids’-o-meter. It’s all natural, its like butterflies with brighter coats attracting females, basic survival of the fittest, and I totally just made that whole thing about butterflies up so lets hope its accurate.
People that wear these things are bigger douche-bags than Daniel Radcliffe, If i wanted to see Harry Potter fuck a horse, I would google “harry potter fucking a horse” and click one of the 1000s of fansites dedicated to just that fetish, I dn’t need Danny Radcliffe sausage-bonking a horse on stage.
Pink Track-pants with big Fuck-off Slogans on the Arse
This is something that should only be worn outdoors with ugg-boots, and that wouldn’t be a problem if people would just abide by basic rule of outdoor aesthetics; UGG BOOTS DO NOT BELONG AROUND PEOPLE. They are only ok If you wear them around Family members and people that you have known for at least 6 months and are extremely close with. Too often do I see women wearing matching pink tracksuits and ugg boots while their faux-tan leathery skin hangs like rivers of fried eggs from their withered skeletons.
These pants run on the same “I’m so sexy, and I know it attitude” that can be seen in shirts that have glitter-writing, quoting mean girls “i’m a bitch cause your boyfriend wants to fuck me”, ironically the kind of women that wear these are the size of the trailer they live in, and are about as sexually attractive as shoving ones penis into a Hadron Collider and pushing “go”. They can be seen in Westfield shopping centres while the employed work from 9-5.
That’s all for now. Next Time, shoes.
